Theodore/I wanna Be Like You

from Hell Toupee

The Ballad of Theodore and his Conspicuous Erection/I wanna be like you

Chandler, Rockstroh/R Sherman R Sherman

Now I'm the king of the swingers

Oh, the jungle VIP

I've reached the top and had to stop

And that's what botherin' me

I wanna be a man, mancub

And stroll right into town

And be just like the other men

I'm tired of monkeyin' around!

The first Anthropoid to ever walk erect

was probably having a bad day.

I'll bet his mother said, "Now Theodore,

don't you do that or else you might get stuck that way."

He was a rebel,

didn't give a damn,

He looked her straight in the eye and said,

"Look MA, no hands."

At school, everybody began to taunt him by saying,

"Theodore, we always did suspect this.

We always thought you to be a Homo... Erects...

Theodore is a Homo. Theodore is a Homo."

Oh, oobee doo

I wanna be like you

I wanna walk like you

Talk like you, too

You'll see it's true

An ape like me

Can learn to be human too

Soon the word got out

to the ruling class elite,

for there was a monkey

who could walk on his feet

They asked, "What's going to happen if this guy

grows a cerebral cortex or an opposable thumb.

We'd be out of a job -

this guy could make us look real dumb."

So as with anything

that challenges the orthodoxy,

the ruling class elite called out the moralists

to fight there war by proxy.

The moralists agreed

and became irate


"The only reason this boy is walking erect

is to proudly display his privates,

and if this keeps up, our civilization

will end in moral defeat.

So the congressional body of monkeys enacted a law

That said and I quote

Monkey sounds to the tune of chorus

that states we all have to wear a warning label fig leaf."

They condemned this process

of natural selection,

and anything at all to do with Theodore

and his conspicuous erection.

Now don't try to kid me, mancub

I made a deal with you

What I desire is man's red fire

To make my dream come true

Give me the secret, mancub

Clue me what to do

Give me the power of man's red flower

So I can be like you You!

Soon the weirdoes, the outsiders saw

how walking erect made the powers that be mad

and it quickly became

a counter cultural fad.

Soon everybody was talking

about natural selection

and the latest dance craze was

the conspicuous erection.

I wanna be like you

I wanna talk like you

Walk like you, too

You'll see it's true

Someone like me

Can learn to be

Like someone like me

Can learn to be

Like someone like you

Can learn to be

Like someone like me!

So the next time you see something

you don't understand

don't dismiss it

with the wave of your hand

If I were you -

I would not be too proud,

for it might be your hairy knuckles

that are dragging the ground.

updated: 4 years ago